Manny Rayner's book reviews

This book collects together the first year or so of the series that ran regularly in Private Eye while John Major was Prime Minister of England during the early 90s. I knew of course that he couldn't possibly be the way he was portrayed there, but after a while it was equally impossible not to believe it. It somehow rang completely true.

I always wanted to write an episode myself, and here's my excuse:

March 15

My wife Norman tells me over breakfast that I have received a present in the post from an anonymous person who didn't leave their name. It is a book all about me, called The Secret Diary of John Major, Aged 47 and Three-Quarters.

"It's quite amusing," says Norman. "And don't worry. There's nothing in it about your secret affair with Mrs Currie."

This might have have made some men panic, but luckily I have my wits about me.

"Oh yes!" I say, quick as a flash. "And the reason there is nothing about my affair with Mrs Currie is that I'm not having one!"

Norman gives me a funny look and hands the book over. I am not inconsiderably incandescent to read that I am an idiot who spends his time rearranging his desk and is unable to make a decision without consulting Mrs Thatcher.

"I am going to ask Mrs Thatcher what to do," I say in my special firm voice and go into my office. I call Mrs Thatcher on my red phone and leave a message for her. She doesn't call back at once, but fortunately this gives me time to sharpen all my pencils and make sure that my leaky biro is properly replaced.

At five o'clock, I receive a message from Mrs Thatcher's secretary saying that her meeting is running late and she hopes the matter can wait until tomorrow. I am in no small measure displeased by the secretary's tone and tell her sharply that that will be perfectly alright and I quite understand. When I have put the phone down, I write the secretary's name in my Bastards Book and underline it with my red biro. I would like to add the name of the person who sent me The Secret Diary of John Major, Aged 47 and Three-Quarters as well, but since they are anonymous I can't. Then I decide I have done enough work for today.

"Was Mrs Thatcher helpful?" asks Norman when I come in for dinner.

"As helpful as always," I improvise cleverly. "She really is a wonderful woman!"

Norman gives me another funny look, but I am sure she has not guessed my little secret.