Manny Rayner's book reviews

Celebrity Death Match Special: God and the New Physics versus The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Scene 1

[MIT, 2012. Graduation day. BRAD and JANET]

JANET: Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful! Didn't Betty look radiantly beautiful! Just an hour ago she was plain old Betty Monroe. Now she's Betty Monroe... PhD!

BRAD: Er... yeah.

JANET: I wonder if I'll ever complete my doctoral dissertation on the relationship between faith and cosmology? Sometimes it seems impossible.

[She wipes a tear from her eye. Music starts up]

BRAD: That's no way to talk! Just can it.

CHORUS: Janet.

BRAD: You're the smartest girl on this planet.

CHORUS: Janet.

BRAD: You see an equation, you scan it.

CHORUS: Janet.

BRAD: Even if it's harder than granite.

CHORUS: Janet.

BRAD: You -

JANET: Oh Brad, you're always so nice to me! You know what I'd really like to do now?

BRAD: You just tell me, girl.

JANET: I'd like to visit Professor Helge Kragh, the greatest living expert on the history of science.

BRAD: Uh.. well, hop in the car! We're off to Denmark.

JANET: Oh Brad!

[She throws her arms around him and kisses him passionately]

Scene 2

[Another part of the forest. BRAD and JANET, soaking wet, are outside a dubious-looking gothic mansion. A sign on the gate says PAUL DAVIES PRODUCTIONS LTD - ENTER AT OWN RISK]

JANET: Do you... do you think it's safe?

BRAD: We're just going ask if we can borrow their wifi signal for a minute.

[They hesitantly enter and find themselves in a room full of weird people. The doors close behind them. JANET clutches BRAD's arm]

FRANK N. FURTER: [in white lab coat] Now what do you two want?

JANET: We - we wonder if we could use your wifi. If it wouldn't be too much trouble.

FRANK N. FURTER: But that's not what you really want, is it?

JANET: [as if hypnotised] N-no. I really want to understand the relationship between God and modern physics.

FRANK N. FURTER: Then welcome to the early 80s!

[Music]

CHORUS: Let's do the time warp again!

FRANK N. FURTER: You may think I'm mad as a hatter
But I'll explain consciousness with quotes from Hofstadter.
It's an emergent propertee
Just like an anthill, don't you see.

CHORUS: Let's do the time warp again!

FRANK N. FURTER: You ask about the mystery of creation
There's this cool new idea called inflation.
It may fill you with indignation
But we all started as a vacuum fluctuation.

CHORUS: Let's do the time warp again!

[MAGENTA and COLUMBIA, dressed in outrageous black corsets, have crept up behind the terrified JANET and started to remove her clothes. BRAD has unaccountably disappeared]

FRANK N. FURTER: I know this looks like a den of depravity
But the key to everything is supergravity--

JANET: Superwhat?

FRANK N. FURTER: Supergravity. It's this amazing theory that will unlock the secrets of the universe. Cutting edge.

JANET: You're - you're not a scientist at all, are you? You're--

FRANK N. FURTER: Okay, okay. I'm an infotainer. So what?

[He opens his lab coat to reveal full BDSM gear. MAGENTA and COLUMBIA pull off most of JANET's remaining clothes, leaving her in just her underwear]

FRANK N. FURTER: Admit you like it. [He seductively puts an arm around JANET] Hmmm?

[Pause for a beat. Everyone looks at her]

JANET: [eyes modestly downcast] You promise you won't tell Brad?

Match point: The Rocky Horror Picture Show