Manny Rayner's book reviews

For the Celebrity Death Match Review Tournament, The Count of Monte Cristo (15) versus Catch-22

Nately's whore had nearly managed to kill Yossarian on her second attempt that day, and he felt he needed a drink to steady his nerves. He went into the bar and found Milo Minderbinder staring disconsolately into a rum-and-coke.

"How's tricks, Milo?" asked Yossarian, when he couldn't stand the brooding silence any longer.

"The Dantès deal fell through," said Milo in a tone of utter misery.

"Tell me more," said Yossarian, against his better judgment.

"It seemed so straightforward," said Milo bitterly. "He wants revenge on this guy he has unfinished business with. Think he got framed or something... anyway, I wasn't interested in the details. It was nice and simple. I divert a bombing mission from Naples to this place in France, he gave me precise coordinates, and I was going to get a bag of high-quality gemstones. I even saw them."

"So what went wrong?" asked Yossarian.

"I should have known it was too easy," Milo continued. "I paid off General Scheisskopf with a deal on two extra parades. I though I'd have to go up to four, but he agreed to two. Major Major Major Major just signed the papers without even reading them. And then..."

"Then what?" asked Yossarian, intrigued despite himself.

"Then those idiots fly into fog, lose their bearings, panic, and just drop their payload without checking where they are. Somehow they happen to be right over Dantès's house. He was blown to bits, and he was the only person who knew where he'd stashed the gems. It was a million to one. A billion. I'll never get another opportunity like it. Never."

"You've still got the Egyptian cotton," said Yossarian.

"That's true," said Milo, brightening up a little. "Thanks Yossarian, you're a friend." He paid for both their drinks and went out to check if cotton futures had gone up again.