Manny Rayner's book reviews

For the benefit of those people unfortunate enough never to have read Let Stalk Strine, may I take this opportunity to bring you:

Snow White and the Severed Wharves

Snow White was a beautiful young Strine secret service agent. In private life she was a doctor of philosophy and a connoisseur of immersion heating. As a counter spy (officially known as 004), she was noted for her dexterity with the hypodermic syringe and for her unswerving promiscuity in the service of her country.

Her most remarkable attributes, however, were her extraordinary powerful lungs, which she used to great advantage whenever mouth-to-mouth anti-resuscitation was the only way to escape from the embraces of a no longer useful admirer. This high-pressure method was rather frowned on by her more conservative colleagues but it was undeniably effective; her victim just dilated like a sunfish and became entangled in the chandeliers, or drifted over the horizon in whatever direction the wind happened to be blowing.

It was a dull, grey autumn afternoon when Snow White left the Colonel's office. She stepped into her roller skates, and picked her way carefully through the traffic to the middle of the road. Skating along the centre line of a main highway usually calmed her turbulent spirit and gave her a sense of purpose and fulfilment. But today, somehow, she felt troubled and uneasy.

The Colonel's warning was still ringing in her ears. `No more lust, Buster, I trust you. It's a must,' he had said, putting down the rhyming dictionary and lighting her cigar. `Carry two Mausers in your trousers, and pack a new Luger with the nougat.'

Snow White knew what lay behind that friendly half-smile which contrasted so oddly with his grey, intelligent eyes, obscured now by the large empty prune can with which he always concealed his face from his subordinates. Poor James, she thought, how sensitive he still is about having no nose. His voice droned on, `... and your teeth will be sharpened before you leave. That is all.' He paused and spoke a few words into the intercom.

He had briefed her well, she thought to herself as she overtook a large black sedan filled with Asians carrying cameras. Her mission was simple, but dangerous. She was to make her way undetected into `their' territory, destroy the fleet of mini-submarines, and cut loose the floating wharves at Vitamin Bay. That was all. Simple enough, heaven knows - yet her uneasiness persisted.

Suddenly she threw away her cigar, put out her right arm and pulled sharply into the kerb at the left. She made her way thoughtfully towards a small, unobtrusive building which bore a large sign: `Day Old Pullets - Hot Water - Ears bashed Wile-U-Wate - Cocker Puppies - Clean Toilets - Devonshire Teas'. She rapped on the boarded-up window with a roller skate. `Are you there, James?' she called softly. There was no answer. She went round to the locked door, put her lips to the keyhole and blew out the lock. She stepped quietly inside. The Colonel was already there. She took him in her strong arms and kissed him fiercely on the prune can immediately above the words, `Contains no preservatives'. He snuggled close to her and gurgled tinnily. She took his hand and together they walked along the narrow catwalk towards the submarines.

Snow White patted the Luger inside her armpit, and sniffed cautiously at the outgoing tide. There wouldn't be much time, she thought. She bent down and bit throught the first cable with her powerful teeth and watched the grey hull sink slowly out of sight into the mud.

She looked around her. It was almost dark now, and the Colonel appeared to be asleep. She smiled grimly as she scrabbled among the barnacles, searching for the second cable. Suddenly, without warning, a blinding light flashed into her eyes, and a suave, unctuous voice broke the silence: `Weaner rup this sprogram to bring you an important annancement from the Sinny Cricket Grand. New South Wiles are arlat for three unren twen yite.' The menacing voice chilled her, and her hand gripped the Luger. `The forecast for tomorrow is for scadded shares and Sathie's twins. An now we return you to this chewdio.' There was a click, then silence. Once more she was in darkness.

She was alone now; the Colonel had disappeared. At last she found the second cable and sank her teeth into the steel. The oily water closed over the last of the wharves. Her mission was completed.

Through a little window in the wrist of her black rubber frogwoman's suit she saw that it was only two hours since she had left the Colonel's office. She felt her way through the dark hut to the doorway, and out into the chill, mountain air. She carefully adjusted her skates, pulled out from the kerb and made for the centre-line of the road.

She smiled gently in the darkness, and switched on her tail-light. It was, she thought as she spat out a few shreds of cable, good - she paused and lit a cigar - to be - as James would say - alive.